a fair exchange?

i read something today that i have never read before. or better stated, i probably read this but i never noticed it. the Bible, even though questioned over and over as God's Word, is inspired and truly is living and active, sharper than any double-edged sword.

i read this:
2 Corinthians 6:11-13
We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians, and opened wide our hearts to you. We are not withholding our affections from you, but you are withholding yours from us. As a fair exchange - I speak as to my children - open wide your hearts also.

do i have a fair exchange with God?
what am i withholding from him?

these verses describe Paul's relationship with the Corinthians but these verses can definitely be applied to God's relationship with his people - including me.

i decided to ask God in prayer what i am holding back. i realized that i am holding back my control of my free time, free energy, free decisions. in other words, i attempt (usually successfully) to guard my own space. i accomplish this by being good enough in my relationships so that i can then go off and do my own thing. this applies to God, my wife, my child, and my friends. i withhold my true self because i do not want to relinquish the few areas that i control (or feel like i control), that are predictable (seemingly), that are safe (seemingly).

Paul challenged the Corinthians to open wide their hearts. once again, God is challenging me to open wide my heart. the "free space" is truly a "sin space". pride, sexual immorality, seclusion, isolation, control of others (indirectly), hatred, envy, jealousy, strife are all found in this "sin space".

Mark 8:34-35
Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and the gospel will save it."

i live with the burden of wanting to look good to everyone so that they will not dare to ask or even consider access to my precious free time or space.

does anyone really know me?
does God even know me?

"as a fair exchange, open wide your heart also!"